I have been floored by God. If you had told me back in October that I would be where I am right now I probably would've chuckled and said, "Yeah right." I'm sitting here trying to figure out what I want to tell ya'll first? *jeopardy music* How personal do I want to get?
Last year around this time I believe I was starting to seriously talk with (not quite date) this amazing believer who completely transformed how I view relationships. He was my boyfriend for all of two minutes (more like two weeks officially or something) and it was really great. Then I got nervous. I could see myself being in a serious relationship with him and I was not living in a way where I could be my best self. I kept feeling split. Who I truly was and how I was living on the other side. He wasn't attempting to change me at all, but I felt my flaws amplified and without really talking about it. I ran (broke up with him). Because I was a mess. Because most people want to rush into relationships without a strong foundation. Because the next relationship I'm in will be intentional and headed towards marriage. Period.
First, I had some things to take care of. I was constantly broke, couldn't communicate well though I'm a writer (poet AND playwright), had no stability, drank way too much, cursed heavy, and surrounded myself with people that were living lifestyles I didn't want to live. I was a believer, but I definitely put my faith on a backseat. I didn't want to pray over anything except what I wanted and he was praying. I was tired, but comfortable with fabricated stability.
Now look, the freedom to just do whatever was good but I knew greater. I knew that the stress and worry I was feeling all the time was a direct result of me not doing what I should be doing. That's managing money better, communicating better, taking care of my body (no alcohol belly), watching what I say in general, and surround myself with people I want to be around. Doing it was hard. I thought the way I wanted to live wasn't possible.
This relationship made me consider something I think about a lot actually. Who do I want to be and do I like who I am? I wasn't interested at the time to answer these questions. Then I started doing what I wanted and things appeared to be better. Until suddenly I found myself once more about to be without a home. I was really tired. That I'ma just do something different tired. I made my plans to say goodbye to all my peeps in St. Louis and even had a final show (ironic only my friends came out anyway). I booked the U-haul to move back home to TN defeated. Last minute I applied to one last job. One I actually wanted with salary pay in St. Louis though I had interviews in TN too and I could even apply to grad school. Then I got the job in St. Louis!
I stopped and prayed. I've been here before. At a crossroad with no clue what to choose. I needed to hear from dad (God). It actually took a minute for him to answer. But when he did it was amazing!
From there I did a 360. I was going to put my best foot forward. And I have. I have *sings* money in the bank (not a lot but hey it's a start), a new job, my dream apartment for now, I workout regularly, I use intentional language, and am doing the things I want with the people I want to be around. Oh yea and about the guy. We're friends. (I know not what you expected hahaha) I started the story there because my next post will be about this book I'm reading called, "The Wait" and all it is about is healthy relationships. This relationship is the only one I've ever had that was semi intentional. Every other guy has just wanted casual relationships. (No title, no dates, no commitment) *New York accent* Get outta ere'! I didn't either until... Anyway, it's a struggle that I'm just starting to get a handle on. As I discover who I am in God, I realize even more what I desire in a husband as he pursues me. So stay tuned ya'll. Laters!!
It was a ordinary day and I thought I would look. For the first time in awhile look. I would not just look, but stare. I wanted to take it all in. The last time it was so overwhelming I cried shame and fear. This time, what would be there? I took my reflection in, drank it hungrily like tea. I did not like what I found.
A shell of a woman with emptiness in her eyes. Hardened and resilient. Defiant almost. Existing, not living. She looked happy, everyone said so. The smile didn't touch her lips all the way though. She looked okay on the outside. Inside, she was chained. Comfortable, but no joy to be found. Ugly. That's all I saw. That was enough for me... until one day I asked myself what I TRULY wanted.
Did I want to feel ugly? To feel just content with life? To let fate decide for me instead of making some demands out of life? Nah bruh.
And everyone seemed to have demands on me. Opinions on who I should date, how I should live, and tips on how to be better. You can't be better without knowing where your center is. It felt as though the wind could topple this haphazard life I had began to build. Where was my foundation?
I was good, but good wasn't great all the time. I wanted great. I wanted certainty. I was faced with a choice. On the outside it looked like a move out of state, but looking back I know it was a move of my mindset. I chose. My choice was to go for everything I've ever wanted. To do my best and challenge myself in ways that before had scared me. I took a chance. Then a crazy thing happened. I found unbelievable joy. From the very moment I started getting back on the path I felt I was called to, everything started to align. I can't explain it except that my faith, my core, and my soul has been able to find it's beautiful. Not something exterior, but the beauty that I always wanted now shines internally.
What good is living if you just keep yourself in that same position? Now, I'm constantly filtering out what I do because of someone else's influence and what I am doing because it is innate.
YATA!!! I can be myself, unashamed.
As a black woman it's so easy to seek approval. It's like you can't be in your own skin unless someone gives you the go ahead. I've been finding that the only one that should get a say is me and the creator. *sticks out tongue*
Our time is precious. We are precious. And right now. I'm enjoying the heck out of my single life. A life that doesn't require perfection, a clean past, or even restriction. Any changes I make are to be the best version of myself.
I've been pressuring myself with this blog, like I do with most things. I want it to be just right so that people will love it. Ugh. But now that I've taken a little time off to find what's important to me. I'ma just do whatever. *throws out script* Literally I had my post for the entire year planned. Now... What is that scripture? Best laid plans.... *goes to google, covers face* It's a quote: "Best laid plans are for mice and men." However, the verse I found is Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." Yup, quoting bible on ya.
How many times do you tell yourself you're ugly? I mean when you're alone. You wonder what's wrong with you? Why can't you be happy? Be thin? Be muscular? Be rich? Be in love? Be smart? Why do you have to be... you?
We often forget that the voice we hear the most is our own. Even our thoughts can change our minds. I'm not going to tell you what to do. We have thousands, if not millions, of things/people telling us what to do everyday. Of course we have a hard time believing anything remotely good. But let me tell you right now. Joy is possible. I actually never thought in a million years it was for me because I mean... *gestures towards a past that you may or may not understand* I can't even do the abridged version for you, but I'll try. Just know a black girl from the hood with a mentally ill single parent that dies tragically her freshman year of college fast forward to homelessness and a bad relationship fast forward to... you get it. There was so much that I thought I was continuously in a horror movie where bad stuff would forever happen. Then I changed my expectations. It was time for the movie's plot to change. And man... It's changed.
I'm so grateful. I will forever be grateful. Oh and hey. You're not ugly. You're beautiful. You're amazing. You're smart. You really are.
Fitness. Life. Art. Travel.