Facing Abandonment

The One That Got Away

And then we kissed. A heart stopping, "our noses work together" kiss. A "I could be with you forever" kiss. A "I want to feel you and ALLL of you" kiss. A kiss that answered all of the lingering questions. Were we attracted to each other? Yes. Would that have fueled some type of more intimate relationship? Yes. Could we have been together in a more dynamic way? I’m not sure. He was the One that got away, but did this change the dynamics of our relationship?

Is the illustrious “One that got away” just a theory? An idea we tell ourselves to let our old self know, “Hey, you had a good one. Go for someone like that.” It’s not to hurt ourselves or to make us resent that person leaving. That person was good. It was a joy to love that person, not a nightmare. It also is a way to let that person go, to be able to function in a friendship rather than dwell on the “What if’s” of it all. 

In fact, I’ve had a couple of ones. A couple of men who’ve been in my life that have been really good for me, but timing was off. PLUS there’s the fact that just cause he looks and seems like the one, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have flaws OR that you’re meant to be together.

My “Ones” I incidentally remember by kiss.

The HS One: 
Memorable first kiss was by a tree and then the Spider Man kiss. That’s right we did that. He opened me up to the idea of love. In fact as the first love of my life he made me believe I could feel emotions after all. Children of trauma and fatherlessness struggle with worthiness and the prospect that anyone can love them. I’m one of both so realizing that a man could love me for me was surprising. I turned to God around this time. God showed me I was worthy and filled the gaps that not having a father/trauma left, somewhat. Then he fell in love with someone else. I was too young to understand that this would shape the future for me.

The College One:
We ALMOST kissed in mid sentence and that is more heart rushing than most. He showed me how to be comfortable around a man as myself at that time and how to laugh at myself. Once again searching for a man to love me. A man with a physical presence. God was amazing, but not in flesh and bone ya know? So we made a solid friendship and are friends till this day, but the beginning of a pattern… He fell in love with someone else.

*Interlude* Of men that definitely were NOT the One. My brother a man who couldn’t show me what his father was never present to show him. My lovers who also had absent fathers. All of us with a void. Me unsure of myself, but then an abusive relationship and many f*** boys later and I finally learned to be confident in myself. To love myself and God. I didn’t need others to fill the void. I would work on doing that for me. I’d learn all that I missed out on for a healthy man woman relationship as best I could with healthy male-female friendships. *Interlude ends*

The Young Adult One:
I did the intro with our kiss. He showed me what dating a good man was like. Though we dated before the interlude the kiss came afterwards. And man… That’s about the closest I’ve gotten to loving someone and having them love me too. BUT… once again, he fell in love with someone else. But this time it didn’t leave me damaged or hurt.

You know what honestly what I’ve learned from “The One” in my life is that you can create a whole thing in your mind about how great a person is, but they also have flaws. The HS One was just not that into me and was too afraid to tell me that. The College One was afraid I didn’t want forever. (I didn’t) The Young Adult One just wanted to end our story. (With an amazing kiss) Funnily enough, they all have fathers in their lives. Makes sense that they found forever with their partners. But just because a woman OR man have some level of fatherlessness in their lives doesn’t mean they won’t find a partnership that works for them. It’s just that we put wayyyy too much pressure on finding this THE ONE. Instead of working on having honest communication, healthy relationships, and loving the right way.

Who knows, maybe my next The One could be, ya know, the one. Till that next great kiss.