"I fell in and out of love with him so much I stopped noticing the platform and just waited for the standing ovation. When it didn't come... I wondered if he still loved me or if we just got lost in translation." Today, I found myself watching old videos of me doing poetry before I was a touring poet. Before I had any work published, before writing was a job, before it all became so... confusing.
Am I a actor or a writer?
I found myself smiling instead of groaning. I was so young and so happy to just share my work. It didn't matter if I messed up or if I was reading the poem or if I my camera shot was a little too wiggly. My jokes were corny and my goof still a ball.
It has never been about the stage, but has always been about my love of writing.
How often to we forget our why?
Why did we start doing what we loved? Why do we keep going? After each rejection letter, after each no, after each time you don't make it to finals.
Being a writer that loves to perform makes it difficult for me to just do readings with any sort of dead energy. The problem comes in when I start to wonder am I being myself or just someone else all together.
I found solace in videos of my younger self. The answer was there. I have always been a writer that just happens to love a good accent. Instead of changing for the stage I allow myself to change the stage, to transform it completely without it consuming me. How many actors have you heard of taking their own lives? I decided long ago not to get lost in a character so much that I lose myself.
We poets often chant, "Remember why you wrote it!" Do you? Remember?