Finding Myself

Validation man... I've spent A LOT of years peeking over my shoulder waiting for someone to thumbs up me or give me the stamp of approval so that I knew I was doing the right thing. I was waiting for others to tell me who I could be which caused me not to be who I fully am.

How many people do that? All childhood we're told what to do, where to go, and how to be and some of us don't get out of that. Especially institutionalized people. There's a deep seeded fear that you'll mess up, get caught, and receive some sort of punishment. It is debilitating and irrational. However, it effects lives in real ways. That was me, living in constant fear of being reprimanded for saying or doing too much outside of what I thought the normal was. I didn't go against the grain unless I knew I wouldn't be alone while doing it.

It wasn't until I found myself alone, at a job I hated, in an apartment that kept lonliness a close neighbor, and in a abusive relationship that the tides of approval began to shift. If I was alone, but spent all of my time seeking validation from people who wouldn't be there in my weakest moment or even get assistance from spending my life following rules that left me in a horrible place then what was the point of being so fearful? Yea life is hard sometimes, the answers aren't easily found, and you might be in it alone sometimes. Why add fear to that?

When I stopped looking at others for approval I asked myself. How do I be me? I know who I am, but how do I comfortably be myself in public?
I got to explore, to analyze myself in ways I had never thought of, and figure out how I wanted to be who I am.

So how do you express who you are?  How do you find yourself? Not who you want others to see you as, but authentically yourself. (Don't worry I'ma answer my questions this time.) 

1) How do you be you?

In my opinion instead of waiting for permission I accept that I might need forgiveness, but I will not apologize for following my heart. Your own moral compass, beliefs, and standards apply in how you go about being you. 

2) How do you comfortably be yourself in public?

I get to know myself in private first. (Mind out the gutter, now. Just me? Moving on...) This may seem obvious, but I wasn't comfortable being alone with myself at first. Who you are alone when there's no one watching is how you will respond and move in public MOST of the time. I mean somethings remain private... Like farting... But hey I'm just more conservative about my farts.

3) How do you "find" yourself?

Stop looking outward for a inward journey. There's no answer for the question we so desperately are trying to find by looking at others. I found myself by not allowing others to tell me who I am or who I could be.

​Laters!