I am queen of changing my style through a cycle. Afro-classy bohemian rebel. Yea, I'm not too good with labels so I just slap em' all on and that's what you get. Yeeeep, get comfortable. This is about branding ya'll Whether we like it or not, we're a brand. People associate us to something when they think of us. My momma told me a long time ago, "People are always watching you." If you are a person of color, you know what I mean. She scared me out of wearing pajamas to the grocery store or anywhere outside the comfort of my own home "just in case" someone was watching. And they were. I have a hard time traveling and looking too comfortable cause the one time I wore sweats I met a connect who knew Debbie Allen and I needed a internship. (Needless to say I didn't get it) Whether it's the church lady making sure you're covered up, the couple that cross the street as you walk past, or the person locking the car as you walk by. Okay so this doesn't have to be negative. It could be the promoter that takes a chance on you, the fellow artist that helps mentor you, or the foundation that wants to fund your next project. (I speak this last one into existence) We are the products for "sale". It shouldn't matter what people think, but what you think. Are you portraying the brand you want to be? Looking at any business or job interactions this is definitely true. I'm not telling ya'll anything new though. We live in a world of influencers and people constantly wanting to sell you something. I'm just saying I change my brand constantly and whether I like it or not. It's me. Lately, I've been loving the brand I've created from that fresh out of college girl who had no clue what God what about to do to now being a confident... everything I am now. Alright so this leads to this new project I've started. I'm going to vlog my summer and below is where you find out why. I've been the queen of saying I'm not waiting. Nope. Because everyone I was around that was waiting was popping up with kids and broken hearts. That just didn't appeal to me. I didn't want to unnecessarily pressure myself only to disappoint me. All I did say is that I'll wait till I'm committed to someone. Yea... Still waiting on that LOL. Now before I picked up this book "The Wait: " I had decided to be celibate. To cut out the unhealthy things in my life. Soda, men, drinking, cheese, being a bed potato, and I decided I was going to wait. Not just wait for sex. I was going to wait in all areas of my life. Which is what this book "The Wait: A Powerful Practice of Finding The Love of Your Life and the Life that you Love" is allll about. Now I'm not done with the book. I'm still making my way through it, but so far it's not just been about sex. Though the book and I have to admit that if you can be celibate with sex everything else falls into place. I keep talking about taking away things, but I've forgotten to mention the additions. I've had more time to read, create, cook, exercise, and write. I just wasn't doing these things with any real commitment before. I was afraid to commit to my personal goals in case I failed. Yet I would bend over backwards for my career. What would happen if I did this for myself? For my faith? Now I make sure to spend time in the word, to pray, to praise, and to attend church regularly as well. I can't say that it's all fun. Some days I want fast food, to not do anything, and to just jump... actually I don't want this last one. To be perfectly honest I expect more. More out of God and out of myself. Being unhealthy wasn't good for me. Dating with no real intention wasn't working. I'm a hopeless romantic that was a commitment phobe. Waiting is me being patient with myself. Not rushing towards some reward that I haven't taken the time to earn. I started in the simplest way I knew how. Locs. For years I was afraid to commit because of the "what ifs?" So I stepped out in faith. Now I'm almost at the two year mark and loving them. I'm doing all of the things I love to do without the mess. With real commitment born out of choice not circumstance. I'm not doing all of this for some magical man to appear just to be clear. If at the end of the day the love of my life turns out to be me I'm cool with that. However, I am believing in a different future that does include a wonderful man and beautiful family to love that is destined for me. I am NOT rushing it though. In the meantime I get to work on myself. To be focused on my path. So yup, I'm waiting... till marriage. I'm working on discipline (my word for the year) in the meantime. I don't really get much grief about it except from men who can't commit to a deodorant let alone a woman. I don't even date right now. I'm just not interested in wasting time. I don't play when it comes to my art, my career, or my faith so why would I with my heart? One thing I know for sure is that no one can choose the wait for you. Decide for yourself. I'm glad I didn't jump with the crowd cause I did actually abstain for a long time. But choosing to be celibate is different altogether. Now if you're lucky not to have to wait anymore still look at other areas to see if you might need to wait on some things. Celibacy isn't just sex. It's a choice. Laters loves! I have been floored by God. If you had told me back in October that I would be where I am right now I probably would've chuckled and said, "Yeah right." I'm sitting here trying to figure out what I want to tell ya'll first? *jeopardy music* How personal do I want to get? Last year around this time I believe I was starting to seriously talk with (not quite date) this amazing believer who completely transformed how I view relationships. He was my boyfriend for all of two minutes (more like two weeks officially or something) and it was really great. Then I got nervous. I could see myself being in a serious relationship with him and I was not living in a way where I could be my best self. I kept feeling split. Who I truly was and how I was living on the other side. He wasn't attempting to change me at all, but I felt my flaws amplified and without really talking about it. I ran (broke up with him). Because I was a mess. Because most people want to rush into relationships without a strong foundation. Because the next relationship I'm in will be intentional and headed towards marriage. Period.
First, I had some things to take care of. I was constantly broke, couldn't communicate well though I'm a writer (poet AND playwright), had no stability, drank way too much, cursed heavy, and surrounded myself with people that were living lifestyles I didn't want to live. I was a believer, but I definitely put my faith on a backseat. I didn't want to pray over anything except what I wanted and he was praying. I was tired, but comfortable with fabricated stability. Now look, the freedom to just do whatever was good but I knew greater. I knew that the stress and worry I was feeling all the time was a direct result of me not doing what I should be doing. That's managing money better, communicating better, taking care of my body (no alcohol belly), watching what I say in general, and surround myself with people I want to be around. Doing it was hard. I thought the way I wanted to live wasn't possible. This relationship made me consider something I think about a lot actually. Who do I want to be and do I like who I am? I wasn't interested at the time to answer these questions. Then I started doing what I wanted and things appeared to be better. Until suddenly I found myself once more about to be without a home. I was really tired. That I'ma just do something different tired. I made my plans to say goodbye to all my peeps in St. Louis and even had a final show (ironic only my friends came out anyway). I booked the U-haul to move back home to TN defeated. Last minute I applied to one last job. One I actually wanted with salary pay in St. Louis though I had interviews in TN too and I could even apply to grad school. Then I got the job in St. Louis! I stopped and prayed. I've been here before. At a crossroad with no clue what to choose. I needed to hear from dad (God). It actually took a minute for him to answer. But when he did it was amazing! From there I did a 360. I was going to put my best foot forward. And I have. I have *sings* money in the bank (not a lot but hey it's a start), a new job, my dream apartment for now, I workout regularly, I use intentional language, and am doing the things I want with the people I want to be around. Oh yea and about the guy. We're friends. (I know not what you expected hahaha) I started the story there because my next post will be about this book I'm reading called, "The Wait" and all it is about is healthy relationships. This relationship is the only one I've ever had that was semi intentional. Every other guy has just wanted casual relationships. (No title, no dates, no commitment) *New York accent* Get outta ere'! I didn't either until... Anyway, it's a struggle that I'm just starting to get a handle on. As I discover who I am in God, I realize even more what I desire in a husband as he pursues me. So stay tuned ya'll. Laters!! It was a ordinary day and I thought I would look. For the first time in awhile look. I would not just look, but stare. I wanted to take it all in. The last time it was so overwhelming I cried shame and fear. This time, what would be there? I took my reflection in, drank it hungrily like tea. I did not like what I found. A shell of a woman with emptiness in her eyes. Hardened and resilient. Defiant almost. Existing, not living. She looked happy, everyone said so. The smile didn't touch her lips all the way though. She looked okay on the outside. Inside, she was chained. Comfortable, but no joy to be found. Ugly. That's all I saw. That was enough for me... until one day I asked myself what I TRULY wanted. Did I want to feel ugly? To feel just content with life? To let fate decide for me instead of making some demands out of life? Nah bruh. And everyone seemed to have demands on me. Opinions on who I should date, how I should live, and tips on how to be better. You can't be better without knowing where your center is. It felt as though the wind could topple this haphazard life I had began to build. Where was my foundation? I was good, but good wasn't great all the time. I wanted great. I wanted certainty. I was faced with a choice. On the outside it looked like a move out of state, but looking back I know it was a move of my mindset. I chose. My choice was to go for everything I've ever wanted. To do my best and challenge myself in ways that before had scared me. I took a chance. Then a crazy thing happened. I found unbelievable joy. From the very moment I started getting back on the path I felt I was called to, everything started to align. I can't explain it except that my faith, my core, and my soul has been able to find it's beautiful. Not something exterior, but the beauty that I always wanted now shines internally. What good is living if you just keep yourself in that same position? Now, I'm constantly filtering out what I do because of someone else's influence and what I am doing because it is innate. YATA!!! I can be myself, unashamed. As a black woman it's so easy to seek approval. It's like you can't be in your own skin unless someone gives you the go ahead. I've been finding that the only one that should get a say is me and the creator. *sticks out tongue* Our time is precious. We are precious. And right now. I'm enjoying the heck out of my single life. A life that doesn't require perfection, a clean past, or even restriction. Any changes I make are to be the best version of myself.
I've been pressuring myself with this blog, like I do with most things. I want it to be just right so that people will love it. Ugh. But now that I've taken a little time off to find what's important to me. I'ma just do whatever. *throws out script* Literally I had my post for the entire year planned. Now... What is that scripture? Best laid plans.... *goes to google, covers face* It's a quote: "Best laid plans are for mice and men." However, the verse I found is Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." Yup, quoting bible on ya. How many times do you tell yourself you're ugly? I mean when you're alone. You wonder what's wrong with you? Why can't you be happy? Be thin? Be muscular? Be rich? Be in love? Be smart? Why do you have to be... you? We often forget that the voice we hear the most is our own. Even our thoughts can change our minds. I'm not going to tell you what to do. We have thousands, if not millions, of things/people telling us what to do everyday. Of course we have a hard time believing anything remotely good. But let me tell you right now. Joy is possible. I actually never thought in a million years it was for me because I mean... *gestures towards a past that you may or may not understand* I can't even do the abridged version for you, but I'll try. Just know a black girl from the hood with a mentally ill single parent that dies tragically her freshman year of college fast forward to homelessness and a bad relationship fast forward to... you get it. There was so much that I thought I was continuously in a horror movie where bad stuff would forever happen. Then I changed my expectations. It was time for the movie's plot to change. And man... It's changed. I'm so grateful. I will forever be grateful. Oh and hey. You're not ugly. You're beautiful. You're amazing. You're smart. You really are. Laters! "What's it like being black and in theater? Do people every judge you off of... you know, skin?", my student ask with an earnest face, her big brown eyes searching for an answer as she timidly looked down at her own dark brown skin. It's black history month and I wanna take a look at the different areas that affect black folks to this day. How many no's did that person have to hear? Did they ever feel the pressure of the color of there skin when auditioning for those roles? Are they the one out of thousands that "made" it? I can only write about my experience as far as the places I've lived. Whether it's Baltimore, St. Louis, Iowa, or Knoxville the reach of black theatre is far and few. Now the bottom of the list is Iowa. Because it's Iowa, but there is still a widespread missed platform for black actors in the world. Being a actor is hard. You have to face a slew of casting directors that could never call you back for a role or at least not for the role you deserve. I've been there. Sometimes left to wonder what I did or didn't do wrong. The great thing is that here in St. Louis there is only really a handful of minority actors and those actors all know each other one way or another. Coming from Iowa where I was almost the only minority let alone, black person that a casting team would see to St. Louis where they have their own black theatre groups it was comforting. The bad thing? It's still ruthless. Welcome to the home of the type cast. That's what I had to share with my student. Hollywood isn't the only place you can be typecast, it can happen anywhere. There are few, *cough, cough* Will Smith, actors that can get away with not playing the same type of character. Those are far and few. Most of us are left to deal with the character we're dealt. I don't really have a grievance with typecasting though, My issue comes with landing only those stereotypical roles. You know... The roles most black folk get. The gangster, the baby mama, the thief, the maid, and so forth. That's one of the reasons I struggle with theatre. There is the other factor that you could get lost in a role, but that's another blog post. Today, we're focusing on a much bigger issue. There aren't many works that have diverse enough roles to get out of those stereotypical roles. So your typecast sucks. The great thing is that we live in St. Louis, the home of The Black Rep, a theatre designed to give the black actors and black plays a chance. Click below to check out there website. Despite being typecast I was able to let my student know that she lives in a place where black voices have space in the world. It's a community where you can be embraced instead of shunned for your skin. The black rep is selective of the people that they cast to be in their shows so it's not always easy to get in, but they do have internship and volunteer opportunities. There aren't a plethora of community opportunities for black actors to showcase their work, BUT organizations like JPEK Creative Works theatre exist. They produce more contemporary theatre that leans toward musical dramas. In Knoxville,
This conversation started off as me just chatting with my student, but she helped me realize something. Representation matters. It's not enough to just tell her "you have to be confident in a audition." It's providing her with the resources, providing all minority kids with the resource even some adults so they can go out here feeling great. Not everyone can afford a semester's tuition of acting courses and why pay for something you might not even want or like when you'll NEVER have the chance to use it. That's why my idea for a production company will be something I'll slowly be working on for this new year. I want kids and adults who have limited funds to be able to take short courses on theatre and work towards creating their own productions. New year, who dis? It's the purge of all those toxic people, places, and things that have been unwittingly plaguing your life. Now the new year for me officially starts on my birthday which was a couple of weeks ago, but it's always healthy to do a purge. What I do when facing this daunting plague is picture the life I want a week, a month, and a year from this moment. Do the top 5 people I associate with it make it to this next phase? What about my top 10? Do my associates even deserve my time and energy? Life is a constant evaluation of what is necessary. Cause the truth is we all know there are people that are vampires for your time even if it is unknowingly on their part. You may need to purge from your job (one of them) or from a place you spend a lot of your time. My last purge was in November I decided that it was time to cut ties with some distractions that were holding me back. It was in three different areas. I let go of a few relationships, a job, and a group that were all going in the opposite direction of where I wanted to be. I was tired of being in the same place all the time there was nothing and really no one I associated with that was pushing me to do better in my life. I got comfortable with a stable life that was just bobbing above surviving and called it living, but I wasn't. I was still drowning. I was still in the same place while walking forward. How to Recognize It's NOT for you
Ain't nothing to cut that *hums* off. Isn't true. It's hard to let go of what's familiar and try something new. But it is necessary, It's not my goal in this blog to tell ya'll what to do. I just want to share my experiences so that maybe you won't feel so alone in this crazy world. And you know what? Once I let go of those things that fit all of those bullet points. I found things that did help me to grow. That without I'd be off track. That my future most certainly includes. The new job, being single, and not going to my old favorite stomping ground are definitely teaching me as much as I'm impacting them. Purge away and may a healthier lifestyle ever be in your favor. Everybody's doing it. My mom and probably all mom's since the invention of the bridge: "If they jumped off a bridge would you?" Me: "Maybe. Did they die? Did they use a bungee rope? Because I might do it if it's bungee jumping" My mom: "You're too smart for your own good. Who made you so smart?" Me: "You made me so..." All jokes aside I sat down to cut up the pins for my vision board. Yes, I'm pinning them to a bulletin board because not every vision stays the same for the WHOLE year. That's a long time to be working towards all the same goals. Mostly it's so if I want to add something I can. The beginning of the year is a great time to prepare for what you want to focus on. What to Include
Who do YOU want to be this year? What do YOU hope to achieve? When do YOU want it done by? Why do YOU want it? How do YOU plan to do it? This is YOUR vision, you can do whatever. The world is your yummy shrimp platter or veggie platter if you're vegan (You know what I mean). This doesn't have to be on some poster board. You can make a collage and frame it. Take single pictures and frame them. It can be simple or it can be crazy. Whatever YOU want. For me mine will be a bulletin board that has quotes and pictures on it. So... Happy visioning! I'll support you just as you support me. Cheers! I stood at Enterprise frantically searching for something to legitimize this rental. I seriously need a credit card to travel, but since my trip to London I haven't dared to get one. I don't buy expensive clothes, or jewelry, or shoes. I buy plane tickets. My spontaneous looks like hopping to Belize for a weekend trip and I do not have it like that... YET. So, there I was racking my brain... Racing to Hertz, scouring Greyhound, and airlines when a voice said, "Chill." That was all I needed to calm the heck down and breathe. Recently a lot of great things have happened in my life and taking some time to just enjoy them without adding on the extra pressure is exactly what I needed for the holidays. Plus, God loves laughing at your plans man. Instead of taking my well planned trip across country, I got to spend the holidays with my extended family at home. We ate great food, played games (Spades was my fave per usual), and just enjoyed each other. It wasn't stressful or hard. I also got to save mula so win freaking win. Sometimes it's okay for things to go awry because what's around the corner could be greater. Santa brought me kitchen supplies!!! Yea, I'ma be chefin it up! Speaking of food this weekend I got to go to Hiro with the fam and my oh my was it delicious. If you've never been make your way there. I had the Slinger (which taste like a Korean Bulgogi bowel except with tater tots in place of rice) and chocolate rice bread. It was delicious. All in all a Christmas well spent. Photo credit: K Lite
The excitement puffs like breath from glossed lips on a winter morning, warm and full of anticipation. It's the holiday season and tomorrow I'm headed home. Let's talk about home. No one wants to be that failure going home with their tail in between their legs, staying in the place they grew up in. For me, it's a little more complicated than just that. I've been away from the places. I call home so long that I sometimes forget I'm from there. "I put on for my city" is lost to me because which city is that? I can CHOOSE whichever I like, but if you're like me and you have more addresses than you could ever possibly remember then it's hard. I'm super proud of the travels I've accomplished, but lately I've been yearning to go home. See what's changed and what is the same with adult eyes. To visit the streets, the schools of my youth. I want to smell the familiar that I long for sometimes in the pit of my belly when things get hard. Not to stay, but to visit. I want to be around people who've known me long before I could talk or began finding myself. Home. That's a word that can mean a multitude of things, but for me its definition has definitely transformed over the years. The places I spent my childhood in have become important to me because each place has memories and people I love in them. Each city I've been in more than 6 month to a year is officially apart of my "home". Four and counting. Is it weird that I want a solid base, family, and all that but still desire to live in other places for a big chunk of time? Just me? My wandering heart isn't quenched, yet my soul thirst and gulps from home (wherever that may be). It's funny that people are getting into travel. I feel like traveling has been my whole life. Not to glamorous countries, but in the states I've been to a remarkable amount of places at a young age. I am so grateful for that (Note to self: Do post on this). Some of us black kids grow on the same block and never leave. My hood has been in different states. They all look the same though they speak with different accents. This go round I'm headed to Knoxville, TN. Home of the Volunteers. Solo Road trip! (To me this is the quickest drive, but hey it's the open road and I'm making a couple stops on the way. Merry Christmas to me.) I'm renting a car for the first time and they're already called to remind me and give me instructions on what to bring. Travel tips: If renting a car prepare to put down a deposit when using a debit card. In bustling holiday seasons prepare for long waits. I'll update ya'll on my trip next time. Happy Holidays! May you find yourself with the ones you love this season. Downtown Knoxville, TN
Tomorrow will finally be the book release for my book, "My Last Words... Not really"!! I'm beyond excited. I started making the book in 2015 while homeless and then finished the book February 2016 (I checked my archives here, score 1 blog) and now I am having the release almost two years later. (These things take time)
Hopefully see you tomorrow, if not you can order the book at the link below and have it delivered right to you, just click. Laters! |
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