Finally figuring what out exactly? I guess you can say I finally know who I am. This may seem like a silly thing to discover at 27, but it’s true. Before now I’ve kind of just been influenced by circumstance not by what I actually wanted and desired from life. I would constantly bend to the will of others. Not because I thought they were better people. I felt I didn’t have the resources, time, or thought capacity to actually create/demand my own will. FEEL. That’s a word that can sometimes be synonymous with EXCUSE. But after a tirade of living with other people who were mostly younger than I was definitely made me learn A LOT of what I didn’t want in my life. Or just things I wanted to be a part of my life. Storytime: I was 23 and moving into my first place (we’ve heard this one). Okay so I was moving out on my own. I was sitting in my very empty, huge apartment and I realized I had no clue what I liked. Odd right? Fast forward and now at 27 I don’t really have that issue. It’s more so figuring out things like routines that I like. If certain music makes me feel empowered, emotional, or like praising and how that can be used to positively or negatively affect my day. It’s not leaning on every suggestion as fact in my life. My body could reject a Keto diet (mostly because I wouldn’t do a Keto diet), but it may respond to a juice cleanse. (Also not doing, but you get the point right) This time in my life is one big AHA... I’m all the way here for it juxtaposed to the way I was living before. I would give some profound tip here like: Don’t bend to the will of others. BUT I’m not. Do whatever you want. We live in a world where everyone is trying to influence us to do one thing or another and the honest truth is we have free will. You can simultaneously be influenced by a influencer yet make your own choices or you could not. It’s funny I came up with this title awhile ago and nearly deleted it, but I knew it would be important. If you haven’t figured anything out and you’re still searching. That’s okay too. I failed A LOT to get to this point, but even that word FAILED doesn’t make sense. I FELT like I failed, but honestly all the mess ups have given me the perspective I have today so I would call that WINNING. Not knowing is winning. Seeking the answer is winning. Messing up is winning. Wanting to be better is winning. There are so many wins in everything as long as you are working on it. In a few years I may turn to this and laugh “Wow I thought that was figuring it out? Cute.” For today this is enough. Tomorrow who knows, something magical could happen. That’s grace. That’s finding the fruit that been sitting inside this WHOLE time. WHOLE. We are whole. Holy. Alright, alright now I’m just playing with words. They have so much power. The words I speak now are mostly the light kind. I just watched A Wrinkle In Time, a truly lovely piece of work. Laters! Check in time! How have I been doing on my weight loss journey? TBH, I have no clue ya'll lol! I mean I know what the scale says. And it tis different, but I don't know what my beginning inches were and all that. So.... That being said I am going to take my measurements down and keep track of my weight to see more concentrated results. I got hit during my bible time with 1 Timothy 4:8 this year. "Physical training is good, but training for godliness is much better, promising benefits in this life and in the life to come." Meaning that no matter what I do to workout means nothing if my spirit isn't right. I can say that I am consistently working out now. Being the most active I've ever been in 5 years. I do have more goals for myself as as far as getting in the gym more often, but the important this is I AM GOING at least twice a week if not more. Sometimes this includes me busting out some moves at home. AND I AM SEEING A DIFFERENCE. In my body. In my mind. I feel better. People are starting to notice the difference. It is uplifting to me when someone sees that time you really didn't want to go to the gym, but you actually went so they compliment you. It makes me want to shed a thug tear. I used to NEVER take full body pics unless they were well crafted. If you read my last post on Fitness, I'm not new to this. I'm taking the time to get to know my spirit, ignoring my flesh, and protecting my soul. What it responds to and what it won't acknowledge. I just bought a new scale that came with a measuring tape so I'll be able to keep track now.
GW: 190 SW: 300 CW: 279.2 In honor of my blogaversary I wanted to include my vlog. When I first started I would also record about my travels. Slowly, but surely I'm back at it. Originally this blog was to record all of my amazing travels around the world, but to be perfectly honest I haven't set foot out of country since it started. (sobs uncontrollably) HOWEVER, I have gone to quite a few places. Places I've been since 2012 Louisville, KY Greensboro, North Carolina Decatur, GA Berkley, CA Oakland, CA Kansas City, KS Indianapolis, IN Little Rock, AR Dallas, TX San Antonio, TX Detroit, MI Denver, CO Madison, WI Chicago, IL Omaha, NE Lincoln, NE Sioux City, IA New York, NY I'm sure I'm forgetting some places, but you get it. This year I'm committing to stepping out of my comfort zone. So even if it's just a few hours away I'll find my way there. Seeing the world means even visiting places I can drive to. I go with a budget and the most affordable way to get around as much as possible. It's been fun. (local travel) But I'm renewing my passport. (Seriously) I'm blessed to have made it this far. (like fooooooreal and I'm not gonna cry, nope). If you've been reading me since the beginning or just tuning in now welcome. *Update on slam: We lost. I took it harder than normal. (Maybe because it's my last year) I feel like God was like... Take the whole slam away. This was the last Nationals for AWHILE. (Not just for me, but for everyone) Yea, my God be petty like that. (I love you JC!) So yea, only regional slams for me. Laters! What is slam? Slam is a sport of words and verbs. It is something that stems from the practice of break poetry. Every year teams from all over the country and poets from all over the world compete in slam competitions. Are You Ready? This year has felt completely different than other slam years. Maybe it's because I took a break and was asked to re-join later. Maybe it's because the team has "hella" group pieces. Or maybe I just know that I can do other things with my time so it makes slam time more charged now. I do know I want us to win this year and I think we can. Why Slam? I slam because it's a challenge for me. I started off as the poet who was cute, but... I wasn't connecting to audiences. I couldn't make the team even if I tried really hard. I wanted to do my best. I wanted to win. Through workshops and writing with others I've slowly transformed into a poet who actually can get my point across without it getting lost in translation. Now? I don't like the fact that I started becoming a poet who was "pimping pain for points". Not really, but I felt myself writing more about pain than anything else. How can I top this hurt. I know these stories must be told, but I wanted to heal. That's what I spent my time off doing. Healing. I started writing to protest, to entice, to call to action, and to just vent. There was a time my poems were all about activism, erotica, faith, and whatever was on my heart at the time. I'm a broader writer now. Covering any and everything under the sun. Since I've done the healing I just know slam (for me) isn't fun all the time. It hurts hearing all the things we've gone through as people. It hurts that our stories are so similar though we're all so different. It hurts. And though I cheer on my fellow poets. It gets difficult to sit in a room and be rubbed raw over and over. I often wonder if the people that NEED to hear these poems are even in the room. The times I feel the need to slam, I'll go rock a slam. I'll still compete as a indie and support this city (St. Louis). BUUUUUUT first let's get this Nationals competition on! I ain't done yet gosh darn it. I'm ready to go. To see our team go rock those stages in Chicago. I'll probably blog more than normal this month. Since it's my blogaversary. Oh yea. Welcome to Slam. 2016 Slam Team
The gym is bae. The day melts away and allows me to discover there are less limitations to my body than I think and it is all strictly in the mind. So I push harder and attempt to go further. If you have ever experienced a workout with me. There are lots of jokes. Probably many that include dying and leaving my lungs someplace other than my body. (tehee) I am also the same person who believes in pushing through and finishing instead of giving up. So my guide is really simple: 80% diet... Is true. You are what you eat and how you choose to eat it. Becoming a vegetarian or a vegan won't instantly make you skinny. Starving yourself won't cut the pounds. It's a lifestyle change. Being conscious about what you are exactly putting in your body and how it helps/hinders you from reaching your goals. Some days I meal plan and other days I eat ice cream. 20% exercise... Of course being active is better than inactivity, but let's be honest. I am not burning all the calories I eat. I'm more than likely burning at least 80% of the calories I eat. Hahaha, get it? But for real though, I burn at least half if not more. Some days I'm in the gym for hours and others only for a quick 30 minutes. Everything else... Then there's everything else. Not letting others influence me, but instead me influencing myself. That means working out for my spiritual, mental, and physical growth not for someone else's ideal. I'm not looking for the quick gratification, but a long term lifestyle change. Right now I care less about the scale and more about my pants fitting better and FEELING better. There was a time I was doing it the wrong way. Starving myself to see the quick results. I lost 20 pounds in a week. On the surface I looked okay, but to me I could see the poor choices that weren't sustainable. I was starting to look like the skeleton I was in front of. Halloween 2013All of the tips/guides in the world won't change you until you decide to change something. What's the point of having all the answers when you're still stuck on the couch? That's what I say to myself at least. I work hard at staying active and making mindful food choices.
The results are beginning to show. I'm looking and feeling healthier. I'm inches and pounds down from where I started and it feels amazing. This is only the beginning. There was this iconic moment when I when I was 25. I had my rent money stolen, my airbed mattress was popped, and my job was barely helping me scrape by. I hit my low. I sat on the curb downtown on 4th St and wailed to God. To my bestie. I had just got my first payday loan and I was single. Why Lord hath thou forsaken me!? This is part of what happened when the effects of poverty hit me. HARD. So I Got a Payday Loan
It's like the minorities white savior conveniently located on each block to save you from whatever financial hole you have found yourself in. There will always be a high interest rate and in reality this loan cost more than it's worth. Thank God for my auntie not auntie who helped me out of this one. Cause there was no way I would've paid it off. I was instructed to NEVER do that again. Dutifully noted. Mail is Important I've talked about my experience of ignoring bills and letting them turn pretty colors. I know it's silly now, but back then I hoped to open mail and the bill magically disappeared or was somehow paid off. Knowing what you owe is liberating. Especially when deciding if you need that new shirt or if you can put it aside. (Note: I always go for the new shirt. God is working on me. Evicted by Matthew Desmond This book right here spoke to most of my life. It was actually uncomfortable to read because I felt they had written my life on the pages. There was a whole part on how most people who live check to check typically spend all of their check on random items like steak, new shoes, or something just to help them feel not poor. I highly recommend this book. Credit Cards Are Good When used wisely. Instead of buying a round trip ticket out of country and back. (Mostly because I couldn't my credit limit was super restricted and I had to pay initially) My credit score was so low... Seriously. I had to secure walk my way to better credit. Credit cards can be your friend. I usually just pay it and then use the money for bills that I would've spent the money on anyway. It's a nice cycle. And it helps that I don't let my money just sit in the account. My credit score has gone up a whole 200 almost 300 points. Overall, I've had to crawl my way from that low moment where I felt the weight of my poverty. Where the kindness of others is the only way I survived. There have been a great many that aren't even related to me by blood that have extended a hand, given encouraging words, or were just there to check in on me. The stability I feel today is because those people have been in my life. Thank you. I am a stronger woman because of it. My mother told me a woman should have a shoe for every occasion and in high school I took this to heart. Everyday I would pick out a pair of heels to wear with my flared bottoms and uniform shirt. I did this basically everyday for four years. I wore heels all throughout my time in London during college. And then something happened. I stopped wearing heels. It turned into I would only wear heels for special occasions and then it became me only wearing heels for plays or shows. Now... I can't stand them. Literally. I just don't feel like wearing oppression on my feet. Maybe It'll comeback like my affection for the color pink. (I seriously doubt it) I still like a good high heel boot or boot wedge. It's just interesting that I thought heels were what a woman SHOULD wear to be beautiful. Now don't get me wrong I LOVE heels. At least I love the way they look. But you will not catch me out here in pain for anybody if it's not comfortable I'm not doing it. You are not required to please others with what you wear. Wear what you want and rock it. As long as it meets up with your own standards, be bold. Be comfortable. Be you. *If you follow my post every other Thursday this one is a lil late to post, but it's here. Today I got a raise/ and a 10 day eviction notice in the same day/ I pull the cry out from my throat/ hold this pulsing thing/ Know that prison can look like rented rooms/ And sentences are denied apartment applications/ That records are credit scores that never report the facts/ Degrees rags that don’t soak up your moms incarceration/ Or times ya’ll spent in the projects/ Or the one room ya’ll lived in eating pork n beans/ Me being the first one to graduate from high school and college/ Don’t mean nothing to the nice rental office cause your past is numbers/ That don’t add up/ My mother’s sacrifices can’t only be worth denials/ There are times when the hood and educated revolt in my blood/ Are two forces that don't like to exist in the same body/ Discord that chokes/ Reminds me that I know what being locked in feels like/ How the doors clang shut on your hopes/ Success feels like forgetting where you come from/ Like burying my mother instead of honoring her memory/ But when the time comes and the hood is just a part of town you pass through cause it cost more to stay than leave/ It stays in the vessel of you/ Will be found in the lessons you teach your future children/ In the way you run your household/ In the stories you pass to strangers that become family/ God will use the educated hood of you to light the world/ Raising you to new heights/ Evicting you from that old way of life/ Accepting all the parts of your being/ From sacrifice to freedom/ Causing hands to raise/ And voice to praise/ Ain't it glorious to not be prisoner to money |
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